It sucks to be a child

Jeff Taylor. Fot. Sławomir Ostrowski

Now, it’s time for people to know that it sucks to be a child. The People who say shit like, „Childhood is the best time of life” lead really shitty lives. In the aforementioned blog entry „A child more stupid than a pig?” I recounted the one and a half weeks teaching children at a language camp. Besides realizing that they are stupid, I confirmed my belief that children have it pretty bad.

First of all, all the Stupid People try to eplain earnestly that adults have so many problems: taxes, speeding tickets, bills, work, bosses, etc. Those problems are real in everybody’s lives but there are many activities for adults which are off limits to children. For example drinking alcohol. Of course, this activity can lead to drunk-driving and car accidents which are obviously bad, but good responsible drinking is a lot of fun. On a hot summer day I love opening up a cold beer, nothing better.

Second on the forbidden list for children is SEX. What do children get exited over that adults no longer do? Going to McDonald’s. Watching cartoons. Getting ice-cream. Playing in the rain. But you know that after the age of 13-14 all kids, at least boys, are just dying to have sex. So again, any adult who would like to go back to the days when they could dance in the rain or even dumber puddles instead getting laid needs to see a therapist for some trauma they’re trying to forget.

The pathetic plight of children is most apparent at summer camp. I will grant that summer camp can be fun but also full of so many potentially traumatic moments. I’m not talking about the standard whiny-kid shit like „missing Mommy” or „yucky food.” Take for instance going to the toilet, praticularly „Number 2”. At home when sitting on the toilet you’re assured that there will always be toilet paper at hand. Even if there is no avialable paper, you can either call to a family member to bring you a roll or do the silly doody walk to find it yourself. However, if at camp and you’re taking a dump in that Damp Stinky Public Bathroom and discover too late that there is no paper, what do you do then? Do you call out, „Hey, is anybody there? Can somebody bring me some toilet paper?”

You could be lucky, and some good-hearted soul would bring you some of that heavely silky holy paper. Unfornatately we are at camp now and you forget that kids are generally evil little shits. So instead of a camp counselor saving the day with a roll, those damn kids could tease you and call everybody else to come and ridicule you.

Or you’re too scared to call for help and just sit there until it’s safe to go outside. By that time it’s already dark and you’ve missed supper. You sneak over to your cabin and the only paper you find for wiping your butt is for writing letters to your Mom. So on top of being hungry because you missed supper and having no friends because you smell like shit, you can’t write any letters to your Mom begging to take you away from this summer hell. However, these days this may no longer be true because kids just send text messages instead of letters. In that case, maybe nobody likes you because they notice you spend so much time in the bathroom. Being the major assholes they are, the kids start making fun of you for masturbating in the toilet or even worse for being gay.

Damn, I had inteneded to describe the experience of having to take a shower in those gross shower stalls, losing your towel and wearing the same pair of underwear for five days straight, but my nerves can’t take it anymore.

Finally, a message for all the children out there: Good luck.

(łw)