Who Sucks More? Bryan Adams or Sting?

Jeff Taylor

Streffa Jeffa entry #18 and here’s a fun game. Take two artists/singers/groups of a similar genre and decide which is worse or „Who Sucks More?”

I devised this activity when once considering Bryan Adams or Sting – Who sucks more? Both middle-aged white guys whose music mostly appeals to women with shitty taste in middle-of-the-road* music.  Bryan Adams flooded us with such (s)hits as „Heaven”, „Summer of 69”, „Everything I Do (I Do It for You)” and „Please Forgive Me”(it was at this point I had a creeping feeling that he sucked). On the other side, Sting who is notorious for „Soul Cages”, „If I Ever Lose My Faith in You” and „African ….something?”(or is it „Desert Rose”?)    Somebody of course claims that it’s no contest as Sting recorded some great stuff with The Police (yes, the over-played „Roxanne”).

However, I’m not asking if the Police suck more than Mr. Adams but if Sting does. As a solo artist, Sting has created some good meaningful „mature” music for grown-up women, almost jazzy. This is considered to very, very far from cool; in fact I’m sure Anna Maria Jopek would want to record with him. Quickly, to all the Polish artist, stop this fucking smooth jazzy shit (especially you Kayah); be funky but not jazzy.

So, is Sting worse than Bryan Adams? While Sting plays for the older crowd, at least he has actual fans. There are no actual Bryan Adams fans. I realize many of his songs were hits, but that does not mean he has fans. It’s as if somebody claimed to be a fan of Celion Dion because of „My Heart Will Go On”, and if so, I will slap them so hard in their stupid face.

On the other hand, Sting wants to be „An Artist” which in the Streffa Jeffa Dictionary is defined as a „pretentious twat who thinks they are more important than what others give a damn about.” Bryan Adams fortunately makes catchy simple rock/pop songs that makes most people want to party/rock/slow dance/fuck to. Sting? Maybe it’s good for when you feel like contemplating your stupid boring life or world poverty while drinking wine or cappucino.

It looks like it’s a victory for Bryan Adams. I would agree if these filthy rich singers had not recorded together, along with Rod Stewart (He will battle against Joe Cocker in a future entry), my choice of one of the worst songs of all time – „All For Love”, the song from the 1993 film „The Three Muskateers”. This song has all the qualities I hate in a song – a love ballad, cheesey lyrics, lots of pretentiousness and just written to make a shit load of money.

I was about to declare a tie between Sting and Bryan Adams due to their joint performance of „All For Love”; they both equally suck. Then I discovered that Bryan Adams co-wrote „All For Love”. Sting is still guilty of participating in this crime but not of sucking more. Anybody who writes such a shitty song has to suck more. In addition, I must admit to a fondness of Sting’s „Englishman in New York”.

See you next time my faithful reader(s).