A Children’s Story

Jeff Taylor. Fot. Sławomir Ostrowski

Once upon a time there was a suppository…Wait a minute, „suppository” isn’t a cute sounding word.

Have you noticed when learning a foreign language that some words don’t fit their meanings? In my case, one of the worst sounding Polish words is „zięć”. The English translation „son-in-law” bestows this position some respect; „law’ – this is my legal position, I have a right to be in society. „Zięć”? Sounds like some insignificant animal or the mentally-disabled servant of a family or mad scientist – „Zięc! Bring me some fresh brains!” I willingly got married (despite what people think) in Poland but quietly hesitated due to that stupid word. Most likely many men in Poland avoid marriage for that very reason. A son/syn sits at the top of the family hirearchy, but zięć is down there with the family dog.

However, some Polish words amuse me to no end and unfortunately, I don’t have an opportunity to say them often enough. Number three – szalupa. Number two – szlochać. Number three – durszlak. I wish I could use this last word when angry at somebody, „You stupid durszlak! Where do you have your head? In your durszlak?” A final mention, a British friend finds „śnieg” funny.

Back to the story. Instead of „suppositiry”, let’s use its Polish equivialnt, a very cute word. So adorable, I can’t believe that constipated people insert it in their anus. Possibly Poles wish to be in this state of discomfort just to say this word. In fact, it sounds like like a small animal that can be kept as a pet. I know I would like to have a cute warm fuzzy ….. czopek. And it would have a name, Tommy. Tommy Czopek.

So, once upon a time in a place far far away (where czopeks can talk. That would scary. Could you imagine a muffled little voice coming out of you butt? „Hey! Could you shove me in a little more further?””Jesus, did you eat macaroni and cheese all week?!”) there was a little czopek, Tommy Czopek. His parents, Jack and Martha Czopek named him „Thomas” when he was born (where do czopeks come from?) but all his friends called him ‚Tommy’.

All czopeks are small in the first place, fortunately, but Tommy was smaller than normal. He did well in school but work-preparation classes posed a problem. He failed head-butting classes; his head was too soft which is not a good feature in his future vocation. Plus he was afraid of the dark. However, despite his size, it was Tommy’s dream to help humanity, to provide relief. He asked his mother, „Mom, when will my turn come? Which person will I help?”

„Well dear, people come in all shapes and sizes. I’m sure there is a lucky soul out there who will be the perfect fit for you.”

So, Tommy continued practicing crawling without the use of his arms, swimming at lower depths in the pool to get use to greater pressure and ear-popping and applying lots of cocoa-butter to have silky smooth skin. Plus everyday, he shaved and cut his toe and finger nails. Just to be ready.

Meanwhile, all his friends continued to be drafted to serve humanity. Of course, he was happy for them and participated in the celebratory bathing afterwards, but deep down he felt a bit jealous. „Am I not as good as them?”

But then, the call went out for help. There was a Scott from Glasgow, Angus Cox, who had been living on fried fish, bangers, pizza and Mars bars, with double portions of chips and haggis. Hadn’t had relief for over a month. So clogged up and tight, that he resembled and sounded like blown-up bagpipes with no release valve. Poor Angus couldn’t get any relief sitting, lying or standing.

Other czopeks attempted to enter but were just too big. Who was small enough with smooth skin to enter such a tight space? Who was Angus’s match?

Tommy Czopek stood on the shoulders of his dad so that he would be heard and seen, „Choose me! I’m the perfect czopek to save Angus!”

All the other czopeks, except for Jack and Martha of course (they always knew he was special), looked at one another surprised. „Little Tommy? He’s so small. He’ll get lost. He’ll just slip out.”

But the Wise Grand Czopek answered, „Yes, Tommy’s just the man for the job. It is not a matter of size, width or length (that’s what they always say) but the size of the heart… and also smooth skin and short nails. I don’t know any other czopek with a bigger heart than Tommy.”

There was a great cheer from all the czopeks as they carried Tommy on their shoulders (they have shoulders?) to the packing altar. First Tommy’s parents kissed him and wished him good luck. Then he was packaged and placed in the box with insertion instructions. An extra note written by the Wise Grand Czopek was included. „Take our son. We are proud of him. He makes this sacrafice for your sins. P.S. Lay off the fried food.”

What happed after that? Angus’s wife reports that he was relieving himself all afternoon. Later in the evening he would run to the toilet for a bit more relief.

To whom was he grateful? Little Tommy Czopek with the biggest heart.

Tommy returned home the next day a hero. All of his friends were proud of him. His parents were proud of him. His dog was proud of him (but didn’t feel like licking him). But most of all he was proud of himself. He was a real czopek, Remember children, if you believe enough and your heart is big enough, your dreams will come true.

And remember to cut your nails.

The End.

(łw)