American Christmas

Jeff Taylor. Fot. Sławomir Ostrowski

Oh Christmas! Peace, love amd happiness on Earth. The joy of seeing a child’s happy face. The shops full of people buying shit that nobody wants or needs.

Polish boys and girls all year long are well-behaved so that Saint Nicholas gives them plenty of presents. However, for the unlucky naughty ones he takes a shit in their shoes. From what I recall growing up in America, there is no such custom in America, but of course I was always a good child (I hope my mom isn’t reading).

So let’s cross the Atlantic Ocean to the USFA (United States of Fuckin’ America), home of the brave, obese gunlovers where kids hang their Xmas stockings over the fireplace. As I wrote in the last Streffa Jeffa entry, on December 6th Polish kids find little gifts from Saint Nicholas in their shoes. In America because we don’t celebrate namedays; childen receive all their presents in the aforementioned stockings and under the Christmas tree on the morning of December 25th..

My students are always shocked to hear that American kids have to wait the whole night until they open their presents. They are right. The night before Christmas is the longer night of the year for American Christian kids. It’s impoosible to sleep. I usually woke up/pissed off my parents at 4:00 in the morning, “Mom, Dad? Can we open up presents now?”

However tortuous the sleepless restless night was, it was all forgotten when we entered the living room where the Christmas tree was in the morning. The night before going to bed, we noticed disappoitiningly that it was pretty bare under the tree. “It’ll be a meagre Christmas this year.” So seeing those pile of presents under the tree was just magical. They appeared out of nowhere! Proof that Santa Claus existed! Even when I was older and knew that Santa didn’t exist (my dad told me when I was nine years old. This will be covered in a future blog entry), I still believed that the presents appeared magically.

Still the question at hand, how does Santa punish naughty American kids? My readers are familiar with my “unusual”(sick) sense of humour and are expecting an appropriate theory. Of course I will not disappoint.

I’ve heard that Santa jerks off with the assistance of a naughty child’s Xmas stocking.

That’s just sick.

(łw)