Opublikowany 2 marca 2015
Streffa Jeffa

Do Whacha Good At

Jeff Taylor. Fot. Sławomir Ostrowski

I have several unfinished blog entries waiting around for a proper ending, while I’m here just too lazy to work on them. So instead I’ll write something easier and make it look even better.

That’s sometimes the secret to success in life. Don’t try to be good at something really difficult; instead go for an easier option and excell at that. Let’s face it Bob Dylan is a shitter singer and couldn’t solve the world’s problems with his guitar playing, but he sings shitty really well and does those three chords perfectly and now he’s a legend. Third in importance after Ghandi and Martin Luther King.

People ask me why I don’t play „Sweet Home Alabama” like Lyrnd Skynrd or „Walk This Way” like Aerosmith. The answer of course – it’s too fucking difficult for me. I could never play guitar that way. Or sing „Hallelujah” like Jeff Buckley? Fuck that. If I attempted a Jeff Buckley impression, people would ridicule me to the end of the world (Ełk). Besides we don’t need another boring cover version of this song as performed by Mr. Buckley. It never sounds as good; there’s a thin line between beauty and loser-ness. Thus I turn my weaknesses into strengths and perform some energetic original interpretations of the aforementioned songs.

Back to me and my shitty writing skills for this shitty little blog on the Radio Olsztyn website („Blandness soothes the savage beast”). My little talent is telling jokes – easy to do but very entertaining. In order to hide my inability to compose a couple original sentences, I’ll humour you my reader(s) with a couple jokes. First a short one to warm myself up.

A woman goes to a doctor and tells him, „Doctor, whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

The doctor replies, „Very interesting. Are you taking anything for this?”

„Yes, black pepper.”

How about a longer one now? This is one of my favourites.

One day in Heaven, Saint Peter is standing at the gates to welcome all the new angels. „Hello, good morning.” „Take off your shoes, please.” „ No smoking.” After a while he has to go to the bathroom to do number 2 and asks Jesus to take his place.

So, there’s Jesus standing in the little welcome booth by the gate (sign hanging on the booth reads, “Welcome to Heaven, tours start here at 12.00, gift shop open 8.00-17.00, wings are not made for flying, don’t use halo as frisbee”), „Hi, nice to see you.” „No, I can’t walk on water, just a trick. I’ll show it to you later.” „Yes, I’m Jesus.”

Then he notices an old man who looks slightly familiar and goes over to him. „Excuse me sir, I was wondering. What your job was on Earth?”

The old man, „Well, I was carpenter.”

Excited Jesus continues, „And did you have a son?”

„Well, yes I did. I did have a son.”

„What can you tell me about him?”

The old man explains, „He left home when he was young. And he was famous.”

Jesus can now barely control himself now, „Yes? Yes? What else?”

„I now recall he had holes in his hands and feet.”

Jesus then bursts out, „Father!”

The old man looks over his glasses, peers at Jesus and asks curiously,

„Pinocchio?”

The last one for today. In fact this morning I told a group of students this joke and could barely finish the punch line.